This week I have been
reading the book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” written by
Dale Carnegie in the 1930s. Dale Carnegie was an influential man
himself who taught businessmen and professionals how to succeed.
Although the book is a
classic, we would do well as a modern society to put into practice the
principles he suggests.
The first principle is
“Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.” Maybe Mr. Carnegie received his
inspiration from the Bible. A number of scriptures deal with
this same theme.
It’s so easy to express
what we think another person should do. I’m guilty at
times. This chapter convicted me. I want to be a person
who loves unconditionally those in my sphere of influence instead of putting them down.
How many people have you
criticized that embraced what you said and changed anyway? Most
do not. In fact, they justify their behavior and may even turn it
back to you. It also often breeds resentment. The only
exception I can think of is when in an accountability situation for the purpose
of receiving input.
There are times when we
must confront certain things though. I’m not suggesting that we
stuff our feelings only to have them turn into bitterness.
Here are some suggestions
when you are tempted to criticize, condemn or complain:
1.
Don’t
confront the issue immediately. Take
some time to cool down and assess the situation.
2.
Write
down good qualities of the person you are dealing with.
3.
Examine
your motives.
a. Why do you want to bring this
subject up?
b. What will it accomplish?
c. Will your suggestions be well
received?
d. Will the confrontation bring
resolve to the situation?
4.
Write
down the things you want to discuss.
5.
Pray
about the right timing. Should you just
vent on paper instead?
6.
At
the right time, walk in unconditional love and acceptance.
7.
Choose
your words wisely. Try to understand why
the other person is doing what they are by giving them the chance to share too.
As you follow these steps,
it really will not be criticism, condemnation or complaining. It
will become communication which every relationship needs to succeed.
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